Ultra High Madreiga

With a massive "sanctification of the name" and a stunning display of achdus and chesed, Machmirim Milk has joined forces with New Square Milk in the creation of a new line of Ultra High Temperature milk and juice products. Ultra High Temperature (UHT) milk, made famous by Italian corporation Parmalat, is milk that is flash-heated at a temperature of 275 degrees for 1-2 seconds, allowing the milk to become sterile, then placed in a sealed container where, unopened, has a shelf life of up to nine months without requiring refrigeration.

UHT milk is popular in Europe, in countries like France and, of course, Italy, where the high cost of refrigeration compromises the ability to produce and distribute milk and juices at reasonable prices. Milk produced this way is especially important to developing countries where many of the population is without access to refrigeration. But despite the relative safety and convenience of the product, many countries, particularly in Africa, Southeast Asia and parts of the Carribean, are still without adequate milk because of general costs. Many cannot even afford the very basic kitchen staples.

That is where Machmirim-Square steps in. According to a source close to the co-presidents of Machmirim, Menachem and Schneur Bistritzky, whose corporate motto is “Anachnu Machmirim Bnei Machmirim,” the company felt "pained by the plight of the Haitian people" and felt a moral obligation to help them in their recovery, with a new line of UHT milk, made exclusively for charitable distribution.

"Business is not important when it comes to saving lives and the fact that Machmirim is our competitino does not matter one bit" says a New Square Milk company source who preffered to be unnamed. "Who knows? maybe the cholov Yisroel will be a sgeelo for parnossa for the "Haitians" says Schneur. Machmirim-Square palns to have 100,000 liters of milk in Port Au Prince by next Purim.

Simmin Toiv E'Mazel Toiv!

Thousands attend the Admor Mi'Buhosh Shlita's daughter's chasuna last night and what a beauty she was! Real yiddishe chein....

Elite Skwere Hasidim form Coalition on Energy Consumption

WASHINGTON, D.C., May 1, 2009 -- An elite subset of Skwere Hasidim, known as the Roite Shichlech have convened a coalition on energy consumption named Roite Gai Greeneh. The Roite Shichlech group within Skwere stems from an especially pious, old-line intellectual pedigree that traces itself back to the alte, alte, alte, alte Avrum Aveenee Dayan in Canaan (circa 4000 B.C.)

The title is a reference to the red shoes worn on the Sabbath, specifically during the time a Hasid's wife is menstruating (and thus forbidden in marital relations.) According to Zanvil Boim, the Skwere "gabbah," the shoes are a way of saying, "Look at me, I didn't touch my vaible last night."

So far what we know for sure is that Roite Shichlech is currently in talks with the Obama administration, providing what they call "Toiroo-based" solutions to the nation's energy problem. Stay tuned.

Genetics Breakthrough at the Prestigious YTU

As a result of a breakthrough scientific study that took nearly a decade to complete, Yagdil Torah University (YTU) is making strides in biogenetics once again. Geneticists at YTU have reportedly developed a method of generating stem cells in puppies, using recombinant DNA, that will manipulate the genes of ordinary housepets, enabling them to run at speeds of nearly forty miles per hour! Additionally, the little doggies - if you can call them "little" - will have the strength of camels and will be able to transport loads up to one hundred times their weight. besides for the positive impact on the environment (transportation vehicles and the associated environmentally toxic byproducts will be less prevalent) and the ease of congestion on roads everywhere, the main function of the super-dogs will be to deliver soup by-the-case for Bikur Cholim.

yagdil torah yagdil torah

“Satmar goes against the trend that they set”

Satmar, the organization known for its strict adherence to “Green” Policies has shocked the world with their most development.

On January 16, 2009, Chuchmas Ungarin Inc, A division of Satmar Inc, announced that three massive gas reservoirs have been discovered 80 kilometers off the Biney Barak coast, at the Kishke Well. The well was named after Yechiel Noyach Shulem Kleinman successfully ate kishke while diving. Scientists have attributed the miracle to the fact that the kishke was sherayim from the Veyalopoler Dayan.
The Kishke well, located in approximately 5,500 feet of water, was drilled to a total depth of 16,076 feet. The thickness and quality of the reservoirs found were greater than anticipated at the location.

Yoel Leib Izakovoich, Chuchmas Ungarin chairman, dayan and gabbeh, said in an announcement that his company was "Bureeech Hashem extremely excited by the results. This is one of the most significant prospects that we have ever tested and appears to be the largest discovery in the company's history. Our rebbe is so happy that we are finally moving towards financial freedom for the international Kollel movement"
Speaking to Der Yid on Sunday morning, an exhilarated Shmiel Noyach Boym, owner of the Satmar Green Movement Ltd, one of the owners of the well, called the discovery "one of the biggest in the world," promising that the find would present a historic landmark in the economic independence of Satmar.

"I have no doubt that this is a Yomtif for the Satmar Kehilla. We will no longer be dependent [on foreign sources] for our income, and will even export to Buru Park.
The Satmar rebbe informed everyone this week that the success is attributed to the joint efforts of Toshe, Bobov, Buhosh, Skulya, Boyan, Krassne, Spinke Buru Park, Spink Monroe and Saseregen. These groups spent years saying Tilim and visiting heiliger kevurim in Hungary, Romania, and Ukraine.

The Satmar dayan issued an statement in which he swore that no Israeli equipment or technology was used in the discovery. However, TheSmokingGun is reporting that the technology for the drills was stolen from Tiferes Elimlech University.

When asked what kind of effect this would have on the billions that they have spent on renewable energy, the Satmar Dayan said that they would continue to pursue alternative energy solutions as well as traditional solutions.

Vizhnitz School of Aviation: US Airways Pilot was an Honor Student and Nice Guy.

Chelsey B. "Sully" Sullenberger, the heroic pilot on the US Airways Flight 1549 Airbus who landed deftly in the Hudson River today, was an alumnus of the Vizhnitz School of Aviation (fondly known as VSA) located in Monsey, NY. Sully got his nickname in the late 1980s, during his summers at Camp Agudah when he was captain of the basketball team.

It was the summer of 1989 and 400 campers cheered, "Sully, Sully!" as Chelsey (formerly Cheskel Duvid) slam-dunked the winning basket against the formidable opponent, Camp Mogen Av. When the Head Counselor, Simcha Kaufman congratulated Sully, he told the rising star that since he "flies through the air like an airplane" he is better off becoming a pilot instead of playing for the NBA "with a bunch of anti-Semite monkeys" (according to the Ziditchover School of Zoology's Associate Chairperson, Zanvil Ungarischer, the simian primate species is notoriously not fond of Jews, especially former yeshiva bochurim.)

After receiving his bachelor's in Talmudic law from Lakewood University - "The Harvard of New Jersey," Sully vied for a competitive slot in VSA's class of 2000. Joel Horowitz, Provost of the School of Aviation, and former professor of aeronautics fondly remembers Sully as a "diligent student and overall nice guy."

Sully lives with his wife and ten children in the village of Kiryas Joel in New York, which is home to the Satmar School of Engineering.

Mi Kiamchoo Yisrooel.

Drudge: Gerrer Rebbe Deploys 500 Troops to Gaza. "Onward we march!"

According to an as yet unpublished Drudge Report, The Gerrer Rebbe, Admor Yaakov Aryeh Alter has deployed approximately 500 of the strongest bochurim to Gaza. Although Bobov was ready to defend Israel with their own infantry deployment, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak said, "We would rather have Ger because their bochurim are more serious - especially in their stalwart opposition to anything that compromises Israeli security." Once a Gerrer chasid forgoed his Kommandant-prescribed, once-weekly relations with his wife in order to help build the Israeli Security Fence.

According to sources close within the Gerrer dynasty, the Rebbe was not keen on Nachal HaChareidi as a way for his bochurim to defend Israel because he felt strongly about the passage in Kohelet that speaks about "A time for war and a time for peace." He was quoted as saying "The defense of Israel should not be compromised by things unrelated to fighting - like shiurim and rosh yeshivas..if we need to defend Israel, we need it to be done all the way. There is a time for passivity and learning and now is not that time."

Gerrer bochurim in America were rounded up Erev Shabbos (sakana trumps Shabbos, of course) and were on a private flight within hours of being made aware of the mission. The flight was chartered by a very nice guy.

In June of 2005 the Rebbe made Jewish Blogosphere headlines when he announced Moshiach's arrival by "this year or the end of next year." Critics say that the troop deployment to Gaza was in fact one made out of guilt - the Rebbe felt badly about his miscalculations and this is how he will rectify it...

Mi Kiamchoo Yisrooel.