Ah Chitzpoo!

Ultra High Madreiga

2010-04-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

With a massive "sanctification of the name" and a stunning display of achdus and chesed, Machmirim Milk has joined forces with New Square Milk in the creation of a new line of Ultra High Temperature milk and juice products. Ultra High Temperature (UHT) milk, made famous by Italian corporation Parmalat, is milk that is flash-heated at a temperature of 275 degrees for 1-2 seconds, allowing the milk to become sterile, then placed in a sealed container where, unopened, has a shelf life of up to nine months without requiring refrigeration.

UHT milk is popular in Europe, in countries like France and, of course, Italy, where the high cost of refrigeration compromises the ability to produce and distribute milk and juices at reasonable prices. Milk produced this way is especially important to developing countries where many of the population is without access to refrigeration. But despite the relative safety and convenience of the product, many countries, particularly in Africa, Southeast Asia and parts of the Carribean, are still without adequate milk because of general costs. Many cannot even afford the very basic kitchen staples.

That is where Machmirim-Square steps in. According to a source close to the co-presidents of Machmirim, Menachem and Schneur Bistritzky, whose corporate motto is “Anachnu Machmirim Bnei Machmirim,” the company felt "pained by the plight of the Haitian people" and felt a moral obligation to help them in their recovery, with a new line of UHT milk, made exclusively for charitable distribution.

"Business is not important when it comes to saving lives and the fact that Machmirim is our competitino does not matter one bit" says a New Square Milk company source who preffered to be unnamed. "Who knows? maybe the cholov Yisroel will be a sgeelo for parnossa for the "Haitians" says Schneur. Machmirim-Square palns to have 100,000 liters of milk in Port Au Prince by next Purim.

Simmin Toiv E'Mazel Toiv!

2009-06-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

Thousands attend the Admor Mi'Buhosh Shlita's daughter's chasuna last night and what a beauty she was! Real yiddishe chein....

Elite Skwere Hasidim form Coalition on Energy Consumption

2009-04-30T21:11:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, D.C., May 1, 2009 -- An elite subset of Skwere Hasidim, known as the Roite Shichlech have convened a coalition on energy consumption named Roite Gai Greeneh. The Roite Shichlech group within Skwere stems from an especially pious, old-line intellectual pedigree that traces itself back to the alte, alte, alte, alte Avrum Aveenee Dayan in Canaan (circa 4000 B.C.)

The title is a reference to the red shoes worn on the Sabbath, specifically during the time a Hasid's wife is menstruating (and thus forbidden in marital relations.) According to Zanvil Boim, the Skwere "gabbah," the shoes are a way of saying, "Look at me, I didn't touch my vaible last night."

So far what we know for sure is that Roite Shichlech is currently in talks with the Obama administration, providing what they call "Toiroo-based" solutions to the nation's energy problem. Stay tuned.

Genetics Breakthrough at the Prestigious YTU

2009-04-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

As a result of a breakthrough scientific study that took nearly a decade to complete, Yagdil Torah University (YTU) is making strides in biogenetics once again. Geneticists at YTU have reportedly developed a method of generating stem cells in puppies, using recombinant DNA, that will manipulate the genes of ordinary housepets, enabling them to run at speeds of nearly forty miles per hour! Additionally, the little doggies - if you can call them "little" - will have the strength of camels and will be able to transport loads up to one hundred times their weight. besides for the positive impact on the environment (transportation vehicles and the associated environmentally toxic byproducts will be less prevalent) and the ease of congestion on roads everywhere, the main function of the super-dogs will be to deliver soup by-the-case for Bikur Cholim.

yagdil torah yagdil torah

“Satmar goes against the trend that they set”

2009-01-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

Satmar, the organization known for its strict adherence to “Green” Policies has shocked the world with their most development.

On January 16, 2009, Chuchmas Ungarin Inc, A division of Satmar Inc, announced that three massive gas reservoirs have been discovered 80 kilometers off the Biney Barak coast, at the Kishke Well. The well was named after Yechiel Noyach Shulem Kleinman successfully ate kishke while diving. Scientists have attributed the miracle to the fact that the kishke was sherayim from the Veyalopoler Dayan.
The Kishke well, located in approximately 5,500 feet of water, was drilled to a total depth of 16,076 feet. The thickness and quality of the reservoirs found were greater than anticipated at the location.

Yoel Leib Izakovoich, Chuchmas Ungarin chairman, dayan and gabbeh, said in an announcement that his company was "Bureeech Hashem extremely excited by the results. This is one of the most significant prospects that we have ever tested and appears to be the largest discovery in the company's history. Our rebbe is so happy that we are finally moving towards financial freedom for the international Kollel movement"
Speaking to Der Yid on Sunday morning, an exhilarated Shmiel Noyach Boym, owner of the Satmar Green Movement Ltd, one of the owners of the well, called the discovery "one of the biggest in the world," promising that the find would present a historic landmark in the economic independence of Satmar.

"I have no doubt that this is a Yomtif for the Satmar Kehilla. We will no longer be dependent [on foreign sources] for our income, and will even export to Buru Park.
The Satmar rebbe informed everyone this week that the success is attributed to the joint efforts of Toshe, Bobov, Buhosh, Skulya, Boyan, Krassne, Spinke Buru Park, Spink Monroe and Saseregen. These groups spent years saying Tilim and visiting heiliger kevurim in Hungary, Romania, and Ukraine.

The Satmar dayan issued an statement in which he swore that no Israeli equipment or technology was used in the discovery. However, TheSmokingGun is reporting that the technology for the drills was stolen from Tiferes Elimlech University.

When asked what kind of effect this would have on the billions that they have spent on renewable energy, the Satmar Dayan said that they would continue to pursue alternative energy solutions as well as traditional solutions.

Vizhnitz School of Aviation: US Airways Pilot was an Honor Student and Nice Guy.

2009-01-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

Chelsey B. "Sully" Sullenberger, the heroic pilot on the US Airways Flight 1549 Airbus who landed deftly in the Hudson River today, was an alumnus of the Vizhnitz School of Aviation (fondly known as VSA) located in Monsey, NY. Sully got his nickname in the late 1980s, during his summers at Camp Agudah when he was captain of the basketball team.

It was the summer of 1989 and 400 campers cheered, "Sully, Sully!" as Chelsey (formerly Cheskel Duvid) slam-dunked the winning basket against the formidable opponent, Camp Mogen Av. When the Head Counselor, Simcha Kaufman congratulated Sully, he told the rising star that since he "flies through the air like an airplane" he is better off becoming a pilot instead of playing for the NBA "with a bunch of anti-Semite monkeys" (according to the Ziditchover School of Zoology's Associate Chairperson, Zanvil Ungarischer, the simian primate species is notoriously not fond of Jews, especially former yeshiva bochurim.)

After receiving his bachelor's in Talmudic law from Lakewood University - "The Harvard of New Jersey," Sully vied for a competitive slot in VSA's class of 2000. Joel Horowitz, Provost of the School of Aviation, and former professor of aeronautics fondly remembers Sully as a "diligent student and overall nice guy."

Sully lives with his wife and ten children in the village of Kiryas Joel in New York, which is home to the Satmar School of Engineering.

Mi Kiamchoo Yisrooel.

Drudge: Gerrer Rebbe Deploys 500 Troops to Gaza. "Onward we march!"

2009-01-03T14:40:00.000-08:00

According to an as yet unpublished Drudge Report, The Gerrer Rebbe, Admor Yaakov Aryeh Alter has deployed approximately 500 of the strongest bochurim to Gaza. Although Bobov was ready to defend Israel with their own infantry deployment, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak said, "We would rather have Ger because their bochurim are more serious - especially in their stalwart opposition to anything that compromises Israeli security." Once a Gerrer chasid forgoed his Kommandant-prescribed, once-weekly relations with his wife in order to help build the Israeli Security Fence.

According to sources close within the Gerrer dynasty, the Rebbe was not keen on Nachal HaChareidi as a way for his bochurim to defend Israel because he felt strongly about the passage in Kohelet that speaks about "A time for war and a time for peace." He was quoted as saying "The defense of Israel should not be compromised by things unrelated to fighting - like shiurim and rosh yeshivas..if we need to defend Israel, we need it to be done all the way. There is a time for passivity and learning and now is not that time."

Gerrer bochurim in America were rounded up Erev Shabbos (sakana trumps Shabbos, of course) and were on a private flight within hours of being made aware of the mission. The flight was chartered by a very nice guy.

In June of 2005 the Rebbe made Jewish Blogosphere headlines when he announced Moshiach's arrival by "this year or the end of next year." Critics say that the troop deployment to Gaza was in fact one made out of guilt - the Rebbe felt badly about his miscalculations and this is how he will rectify it...

Mi Kiamchoo Yisrooel.

Karlin Stolin raises $20 million dollars from "Heimishe Yidden" for Holocaust Work

2009-01-01T16:11:00.000-08:00

The renowned grassroots organization Karlin Cares, a part of Karlin Stolin Center for Holocaust Studies and Volunteering, has recently announced that they have raised $20 million dollars to benefit their continued work. Most of the donations were from "poshute" individuals within the pan-Chasidishe community, inlcuding, Bobov, Nitra, Ger, Pupa and Rachmastrivke.

Grand Rabbi Baruch Yaakov Meir Shochet of Karlin-Stolin said, "We are now able to continue our broad range of holy work, which spans financing film projects related to the Holocaust to delivering "hartz-varming" soup (the Pupa Rebbetzin's famous recipe) to home bound survivors. To date, Karlin cares has delivered over 5000 pints of chicken soup and approximately 4200 pints of mushroom barley (with knaidlach) to home and hospital-bound Holocaust survivors.

Some of the films that were "green-lighted" as a result of financing made possible by the organization include, Boy in the Striped Pajamas and Defiance. Mark Herman, director and screenwriter for Boy in the Striped Pajamas said, "Thanks to the Karlin-Stoliner Rebbe, we are able to perpetuate the powerful message of 'Never Forget' and the idea for the film could not have come to fruition without the finance and blessings of the Rebbe."

Mi Kiamchoo Yisroooel?

Off to Drink the Kool Aid...

2008-12-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

Vizhnitz. Rachmatrisvka. Krasne. Kloisenberg. Boyan. Satmar. Pupa. Mosheelee. Belz.

These, in chronological order of when they were spotted, were only some of the "dynasties" responsible for the school bus frenzy that I witnessed this morning during my search for a suitable parking spot for alternate-side parking day.

Bleary-eyed, irate, vested hunkie bus drivers in their 20s and 30s, frustrated at the occupational plight to which they are resigned (as a result of their own schooling in one or another of the above-mentioned institutions) leaned on their horns with literally non-stop honking, while battling pedestrians, drivers, firefighters - and one another - for precious rush-hour space along 12th Ave and its periphery.

I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that thousands of children are being bussed around BP on a daily basis, to and from schools that are mostly within walking distance of their homes. What is even more troubling is that the schools serve no purpose other than to indoctrinate innocent children with mental (and physical, of course) molestation, lies and total submission to individual fiefdoms. That there is virtually no English language instruction or any form of secular education being offered is the ultimate fraud to local taxpayers and even more so to the child victims and all Jews for that matter.

When I was forced to come to a sudden stop in middle of a one way block - for the third time - while waiting for an unnamed school bus (Pupov maybe?) diagonally thrown across the street with its blinking stop sign making room for the 20-year-old, brown-seamed-stockinged, turban-wearing mother of two, it suddenly hit me – Gerrer girls school happens to be very good.“They teach math!”

Chunka in the Ir Habira

2008-12-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC - President George W. Bush recognized the importance of Bobov, Buhosh, Veretzky, and Veyaipol and their relationship to the miracle of Chanuka

The story of Hanukkah recalls the miraculous victory of a small band of patriots against tyranny, and the oil that burned for eight nights, Bush said in welcoming about 70 guests to the White House reception for the holiday, which begins at sundown on Dec. 21. The highlight of the event was the "fressing" of the "vintage keegel" because this truly shows our "hakaras hatoiv" to oil.

Hanukkah commemorates the Jews' successful rebellion against suppression of their religion under the Syrian-Greek empire in 165 B.C.E. Led by the Maccabee family, the Jews drove the Greeks from Jerusalem and reclaimed the Jerusalem Temple for religious services.

Bush compared the Maccabee's victory with the founding of Kiryas Yoel, The Yarche Kallah program in Lakewood, The Skever Mikvah, and the Mirrer Shiur Klali, which he called " incredible miraculous victories."

"When the Skulya Dayan's Shviger led the world in recognizing the importance of Kiryas Joel in May of 1971, many wondered whether the small but competitive, earth conscious bastion of highly educated village members could possibly survive," Bush said.

In honor of this event, the reception featured the "fressing" of the "vintage keegel" commissioned by Harav Chatzkel Bunim Noyach, the first admor of Seret-Bushtyn and given to President Nixon in 1971. The grandsons maggid shiur of these two leaders, Admor M'Seret-Bushtyn Shlita and Bob Nixon, ate the keegel together.

After the fressing, The Handsome Rebbe gave an inspirational speech on the importance of being a good neighbor and more accepting of peoples flaws.

Tosher Hoise Buchir, Tsanzer Rebbetzin, and Veretzky Shamish were in attendance.

Puppa+Bobov=Pupov

2008-12-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

In a stunning and brilliant display of achdus, the Bobover and Pupa dynasties have announced a merger that experts (including the editors of Kol Haolam Kulo and Yeshiva World) say will allow them to pool their resources to create the largest vehicle of goodwill that Judaism has ever seen.

Since the awful Mumbai tragedy, the Bobover and Pupa dayanim have been holding secret meetings in order to figure out a way to help Jews worldwide. Ironically, the merger was at the suggestion of the Vizhnitzer Rebbetzin's nephew (who happens to know the Handsome Rabbi) who uses the same mikvah as the Pupa Dayan's shver.

"Pupov" will be the ultimate Jewish organization that will more efficiently utilize the charitable infrastructure that already exists within the respective dynasties, which include:

Respected Universities
Community Job Training Programs
Outreach Centers
24-hour Helplines
Counseling Centers
Health Awareness Programs
Literacy Promotion
Hug-Your-neighbor Campaigns
Home bound and Eldery visiting groups
Support Israel Campaigns

The Bushtyn Dynasty was said to be so impressed with the merger that it is preparing a special announcement of its own. Stay tuned.

Mi Kiamcha Yisroouel

Emergency Fund Created

2008-11-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

An emergency fund was created to help support a new Ropschitz night kollel where learning will be in memory of those lost in the tragic events of Mumbai.

Please fill out the form below:

Name:

Address:

Social Security #

Bank Account #

Routing #

Donation amount: $100____ $1000____ $10000_____

Breaking: Bobov (48th) donates $100,000 to Shluchim worldwide.

2008-11-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Critics say the generous gesture was in response to the other Bobov's deployment of 1000 heimishe humanitatrian aid workers that descended upon Mumbai offering hot keegel and fish to the Indian police. Reb Mordche Doooovid, spiritual leader of the Bobover Hasidic Dynasty was reported to have said "It's no big deal - I hate money so really, they're doing me the favor. And since Bobov spearheaded the original kiruv movement of the 1960s, we have a special varm plotz in our hartzen for the Lubavitcher shluchim."

Profiles

2008-11-23T08:51:00.001-08:00

Ah Chitzpoo is pleased to announce "Profiles" a new series that will recognize some of the top achievers in our wonderful (Mee Kiamchooo Yisroooel) society, highlighting those who have dedicated their lives with powerful careers that serve our community. This week we will focus on one man known as the "Freud of Fialkoff's."

Dr. Yaakov Salomon received his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Zidichover at Berkeley in 1980. Since receiving his degree, he has worked as a lecturer in the School of Psychology at KU (Klausenberg University, of course) where he teaches graduate courses such as The Assessment of Children and Educational Interventions, and serves a clinical supervisor for School Psychology student interns in field placements in "Talmudical seminaries". Dr. Salomon has also worked part-time as a school psychologist for the past five years. In 2002 Dr. Salomon was awarded a National Academy of Education/Spencer Foundation Post-doctoral Fellowship for his research on the social context of early schooling and young children's school adjustment. More specifically, his research program focuses on examining whether the type of practices teachers use, and in particular how students perceive these practices, play a role in the development of academic, behavioral, and socio-emotional competencies. Dr. Salomon resides with his wonderful wife and children in Brooklyn, NY.

Another Klausenberg University Achievement

2008-11-13T07:05:00.000-08:00

The Sanz-Klausenberger Rebbe, who is also the Associate Professor of Horticultural Sciences at Klausenberg University, just completed a 13-year study on genetic improvement of apples, a project spearheaded by the NYS Agricultural Experiment Station.

Watch as the Rebbe/Professor demonstrates the increased velocity of the fruit as it is tossed into the air. The excitement of the KU (Klausenberg University) students is evident, especially given their broad interest (and excellence) in plant breeding and biotechnology.

Watch Here

Top Economists in Session about the Declining Financial State

2008-11-12T19:09:00.000-08:00

Did you think they were discussing anything less important? Although they actually hate money these two giants were caught on video trying to solve the latest economic woes. As a matter of fact, the "Zimigrader Rebbe" declined the Treasury Secretary position offered to him recently and instead wants to focus his efforts on large-scale non-partisan projects like a new Viener night kollel.

Listen closely.

Rebbe foon Skulen is a secret Jews for Jesus follower!

2008-11-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Note the two candlesticks - subliminal silver crucifixes - during the secret cultish ceremony with his closest followers. This is the ultimate chitzpoo because the Skulener Rebbes hoiz booocher is friendly w/ deh breeder foon deh tainker rooov's rebbetzins sister's husband's gabbah....

"All the money in the world belongs to me." - Der Heiliger Rizhiner Rebbe

2008-11-04T23:23:00.001-08:00

You think he really liked money? The holy Rabbi Yisroel Friedman of Ruzhyn (1797-1850) hated money - it is rumored that he even used fistfuls of Romanian banknotes for toilet paper. It is no wonder, then, that in his merit, his sons established such important dynasties as Boyan and Buhosh. Where would Am Yisroel be without them?

Breaking! According to Experts on the Campaign Trail, McCain Lost because he didn't Consult w/ the 'Cock Admor of Tosh' (כ"ק אדמו"ר מ'טאהש )

2008-11-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

On a recent trip, the Cock Admor did not even want to fly first class - they forced him. His chasidim felt that going to such a holy place (not Israel chas v'shalom, but Hungary) warrants such luxury.

Update: The hunky at the far right gets a mazel tov - he had a baby boy named "keegel" last week.

Ah Chitzpoo Gedoiloo Buying Such Ah "Fency" Matoooona Before Giving to Krasne Kollel's Shu-oil Eeemaishiv's Rebbetzin's Gemach!

2008-11-02T22:19:00.000-08:00

(Beautiful gift - gorgeous pattern too!)

Lakewood very angry at Obama

2008-11-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

An emergency meeting was held in Lakewood this Motzei Shabos Kodesh parshas Noyyach by the Gedolei Hador. The Gedoilim and Ketanim are very concerned about the possiblibility that Barak Obama may be the next president. Rav Shnurrer Gadol, was quoted as saying "I just got off the phone with the St. Mary Dayan and we both agreed that its a groyse chitzpoo that Obama wants to offer us jobs. We dont want jobs. We want more shnurring" After Harav Shnurrer spoke with the St Mary Dayan he called the Spinka Rebetzin to get a bracha for more welfare checks.

Forget Zionism

2008-11-01T18:44:00.000-07:00

Let's just be wandering Jews & eat keegel.

NICE GUY of the month award

2008-11-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Recognize him? If not then you're not "with it." His face is only visible to top guys in the business and real players...if you don't order prime grill for snack then you probably don't understand.

Do you think he just counts money all day? He's a nice guy! When he's not closing big deals, he's scaling buildings and fighting evil. He once threw a fantastic party @ Prime Grill just for poor widows of Kollel Yungerman (okay, so they had to pay for their meal - but to sit w/ the CEO of the world?!) and donated wind turbines to help provide clean energy for the earth-conscious people of Kiryas Joel.

Once in middle of an office meeting @ Le Carne, he ran out of the private party room to go take a dump (he ate too much sushi appetizer) and according to the person who went into the bathroom after him, it actually smelled very fragrant - like vanilla and jasmine!

Like the Satmar Rebbe (the other one) says about him: Ad Maya V'eysrim $huna!

Biggest Chitzpoonyak - St. Mary's Chassidus

2008-11-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

Who are they?

Satmar (or Satmar Hasidism or Satmarer Hasidism) (חסידות סאטמאר) is a Hasidic movement of mostly Hungarian^[1] and Romanian Hasidic Jews who survived World War II. It was founded and led by the late Hungarian-born^[2] Grand Rebbe Yoel Teitelbaum^[1] (1887-1979), who was the rabbi of the town of Szatmárnémeti, Kingdom of Hungary^[1] (now Satu Mare, Romania) up to World War II. Members of his congregation are mainly referred to as Satmar Hasidim or Satmarer Hasidim, or "hunkies" or "heimishe (pronounced hi-mish).

What is perhaps most ironic about "Reb Yoilish" was that he was embittered that the Zionist bastards saved his skinny ass at the expense of others. This left him feeling ambivalent- on the one hand he owed his life and a debt of gratitude to the Zionists but on the other hand, his lifelong mission was to curse them! It so happened that it killed him to show any sort of gratitude so he went out of his way to blast them until the day he died. Ah Chitzpoo Gedoiloo!

The 2 largest Satmar communities are in Veeleemsboog, Brooklyn and Kiryas Joel, New York; There are also significant Satmar communities in Borough Park, Brooklyn; Monsey, New York; and smaller communities can be found in North America, Europe, Israel, Argentina and Australia. The late Satmar Rebbe, Reb Yoel, also held the title of the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem's Edah HaChareidis (an ultra orthodox anti Zionist community in Jerusalem), although he did not live in Jerusalem since 1946.

Satmar is one of the largest and most influential Hasidic movements in existence today, but formal demographic comparisons with other Hasidim are not available. It is believed now, however, to number close to 130,000 schnorrers, and is rapidly growing due to the extremely high fertility rates of this group and also the large welfare and public housing "payouts." This population figure does not include a number of smaller and related anti-Zionist Hungarian Hasidic groups who align themselves with Satmar.^[3]